15 things I love, just because

So with great ambitions to become a more avid blogger, I have decided to give Thursday a makeover. So, I am declaring it as Love Thursday, and lately I’ve felt like Thursday leaves me anxious about finding JUST THE RIGHT THING that is, you know, PROFOUND ENOUGH to pass muster.

Which is silly, of course, both because if profundity is the measuring stick by which I’m going to take stock of my work, um, ACK, and also because that’s the thing about love—it doesn’t have to be profound. Sometimes it just is. Sometimes it’s everyday, plain, and perfectly simple.

So rather than a long story, today I thought I’d celebrate Thursday with some of the simplest things that make me feel most happy, and fill me with love.

If you’re looking for deep, today, you should probably move on. Just sayin’.

1) Every morning when all three of my kids jump into bed with me after breakfast for cuddle time until the alarm goes off.

2) The birds that squabble in the tree right outside my window. They remind me of the kids.

3) Starbucks - I am loving Vanilla Roobios Tea Lattes right now.

4) Fuzzy socks.

5) Sweet messages of encouragement/love via Facebook, twitter and text.

6) Seeing the first signs of spring - trees budding, daffodils, tulips, and thunderstorms as long as I know a tornado isn't going to take me away.

7) Slowly sinking into a bath so hot that it’s almost—but not quite—unbearable.

8) Watching a dog having a dream about chasing a squirrel, and their legs twitch and they huff out airy little dream-barks.

9) Seeing my kids laugh and giggle about silly things like farts.

10) The smell of homemade goodies of any kind: cookies, bread, cakes, etc.

11) Gummi Bears and animal crackers but to save them from agony, I always have to eat their heads off first.

12) Watching my kids learn how to serve others.

13) Browsing through antique malls for treasures but then wondering what stories lie behind each item

14) Fresh green beans.

15) Popcorn.
15a) Especially when made by my oldest son
15b) Especially when he makes the perfect sized bowl for everyone in the family
15c) Especially when he makes mine the only bowl of kettle corn =) He loves me for now.




Happy Love Thursday. I hope your personal bowl of little delights is always overflowing, always refilling.

Epic fail....or maybe I should say, Liberty fail....

You really wouldn’t think that starting something as simple as a Chia plant would be difficult. They go something like this:
Soak the pot for an hour.
Soak the seeds for an hour.
Apply seeds to pot.
Put bag over pot for 3-4 days so the seeds start sprouting.
Take bag off and place in sunny warm spot.
Keep pot watered and turn as necessary.
If you do it right, you don’t get this!




Opps! Did I forget to water her?

You think this would be simple but its not. I won’t bore you with the details but this is our second attempt. I say we… but after the first attempt my son lost his interest. This was all me trying to make it work. I even received Lady Liberty as a gift from a friend in hopes that I could redemn myself after my first failure.
Seriously, growing a plant should be like the easiest crafty thing you can start with. You follow directions, put in some work and you watch your work grow into a plant/vegetable/fruit. You feel proud. Tell you what…. this my friends, is not easy!

Manifesto for today

Someone sent this to me-a manifesto of sorts but unsure of the author-but wanted to share because it is helping me learn to "Bloom" a little more. So now, its your turn, to bloom....

Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Criticize by creating. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshiping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze new trails. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away.

Bloom Time

Image Title: Ever Blooming Rose By: Mehul Chimthankar Copyright ©2008

Happy February, everyone!

For a while now, I’ve known I would declare a Word of the Year for 2010. You see, a guiding word is, the theory goes, easier to live up to, and ultimately deeper and more meaningful, than the traditional to-do list of resolutions, which, let’s face it, most of us break before March. I know that I usually at least falter on them by March, and that, by year’s end, if I haven’t forgotten about them completely, I’ve only applied them sporadically. So, I am still not sure about making resolutions or setting more specific intentions this year. I’m mulling that over as I focus this time of my life for healing physically, emotionally and spiritually. But, I do have my guiding word for 2010, and it is….Drumroll please…

BLOOM

More specifically, I’m using the second definition of the verb form of “bloom” as defined by Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary:

2. a: (1) to mature into achievement of one’s potential (2) to flourish in youthful beauty, freshness, or excellence b: to shine out: glow”

A quote I’d heard many times before swam through my head for most of January, any time I thought about 2009 ending and 2010 beginning. You may recognize it:

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” — Anais Nin

So, every time I thought about declaring my Word of the Year for 2010, “bloom” kept popping into my head. Just to make sure it would be my word, I looked it up, and the aforementioned definitions are exactly what I want for this year.

I do want to achieve my potential, to flourish, and to glow. I want my life to do the same. Any resolutions I may or may not make, any specific intentions I may or may not set, will revolve around these ultimate goals and guiding concepts.

Here I go…Stepping forward into 2010 with optimism, if a bit cautiously. Here I go…Readying myself to bloom.

excerpt from St. Francis And The Sow
by Galway Kinnell

The bud
stands for all things,
even those things that don't flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing

Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it . . . When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum,your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of"happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are . . . and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you(or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

Your learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing (although that would be entertaining). You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love . . . and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy.

And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely . . . And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK ... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And,you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch . . . and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care of it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.

And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve . . . and that much of life truly is a
self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed,a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you
make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to as best as you can.

Author unknown

Happy New Year

So every year, I write a blog of all the accomplishments of the past year as a reminder of what I have been through and what great things are to come. Hard part of it all is that I blinked and the year past. It was a year full of many milestones in my life that I am certain ~ a turbulent roller coaster you might say. And I do wish that I could change so many things in my life. It isn't the life that I would have chosen; however, I know it is the life that I was chosen to lead. But as I write this, I stand (or actually sit)knowing that I am broken but in that brokenness there is hope and sometimes peace sprinkled with a lot of love and joy. So here it goes just slightly different than in past years.

Things I DO remember learning in 2009:

ENDURANCE - you will never know endurance until you have reached the end and there you find in your greatest weakness, the pure will to carry on

FAITH - God is Great! God is Good! And I trust Him with every fiber of my being. Okay, that last part was a lie. I want to trust Him with every fiber of my being. Does that count? I think as Christians, we want to be perfect but that ain't going to happen, not ever, end of story, game over. We get so caught up in trying to be in control which I learned the hard way, is pointless. I love the fact that I can come to Papa God and throw my hands up like a two year old throwing a tantrum, and I say, "I don't get it and I don't understand why I have to go thru this." Yet, I can always find peace in Him saying that it isn't meant for me to understand right now. Greater things are yet to come. I am so unworthy but yet He loves me.

LOVE - first of all, to find love, you must first look within. It is only from there that any other love can sprout and blossom. Sounds cheesy I know but it is so true yet profound. I am a believer that God places everyone in your life for a reason and for that I am truly thankful for the people that are in my life. But more importantly, I am thankful for the valuable life lessons of learning how to be loved and learning how to love again. It is like a toddler learning to walk - baby steps, slow and steady - trusting that I am not going to fall. Well, I know that I am going to fall but knowing that I can brush myself off and get back up again which leads to confidence.

Makes sense to only do CONFIDENCE next - here is the secret: not caring what anyone else thinks and know that you are being true to yourself and that is what matters even if that means wearing a mullet and the ugliest dress in the entire DFW area....oh wait.....=)

WISDOM - the word wisdom makes me laugh and it seems so profound that it is almost unattainable but sure nuf, we all a lil wise (and not a wise a**, for those of you thinking it). Wisdom may be a little bit of book smart but I think for me it is a lot of self reflection smarts and knowing who you really are (strengths & weaknesses). Knowing is half the battle and what you do with the knowing is the other half - take that GI Joe.

LAUGHTER - okay...knock, knock......(come on, play along)....who's there.....a kid who can't reach the doorbell......sorry, I couldn't resist, it made me laugh. I truly believe that laughter and happiness live in a symbionic world thus a symbionic relationship. They feed off each other. But I do know that a happy home is a home filled with laughter and that is the best sound in the world.

HAPPINESS - ah, my fortune cookie surely written by a wise person once said, "the key to happiness is to find joy in your successes and defeats." What fun is that? Really? Seriously? For me, happiness isn't looking at my successes and defeats because I think truthfully that might be a little overwhelming. Happiness is found in the little unexpected things. Subtly, in the little ways, joy had been leaking out of our lives. The small pleasures of the ordinary day seem almost contemptible, and glance off us lightly....so, sometimes it is best to stop and remember the simple things that bring you joy. That will have to be a blog for later but there is ALWAYS a silver lining.....

ACCEPTANCE - I am still working on this one. It is knowing that I am loved for exactly who I am and not someone that someone thinks I should be. It is also accepting the things that I can cannot change and one day all that will be wrapped up in a little thing called peace.

And there are still things that I still miss even to the extent that I wish they were the same especially the family unit aspect; however, that is not my life and I know that God has showed me as well as stored up many blessings to come. But for now, I am trying to change the concept in my head, a paradigm shift you might say and make mountains into mole hills. My greatest blessing hands down is my sweet little family. Now it may not be traditional in the normal sense but understanding that I am not normal, it is perfect (so reminds me of the movie Lilo & Stitch). Sorry, ADD moment, anyways, I am certain though that my family unit (little man, sweet babygirl, big man and me) will always know that they are loved by not only myself but by an amazing God, who so graciously blessed me with them. And even on the days that I fill so unworthy of that task, He gives me strength to endure it all yet He still loves me in my weakness.

So as I write this, I am understanding that sometimes writing is therapy and helps quiet my mind and my spirit. For me on this day, it helped turn a gray cloud into joy by reminding me of all the things to be thankful for.

"May the LORD bless you,and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you. May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace." -Numbers 6:24-26

A note to self

So, I am absolutely sure this is not how it should be. The more time goes by, the more I am convinced that my kids would do better with their mom and dad loving each other and loving them and all living in the same house together. But that is not my story, nor will it ever be, and so the question has become, how will this single mom live?

It has taken me a while to get to the answers. And in many ways, my children and I are still tripping through the process, trying to find our way. But what I can tell you is that I have the best life I have ever known. No really, I actually do. My heart is becoming more and more healthy. My home is peaceful. My kids are regular-silly sometimes, dorky others-kind of kids. I bless God because they are turning out to be wonderful, compassionate, very fun people, and I adore them.

I have learned that perhaps a wonderful life is more valuable when the lessons to acquire it are hard fought, and the journey is many days that feel like two steps forward and fourteen steps back. The last couple of years have been wrapped in a whirlwind of emotion and activity, have been the most difficult yet the most rewarding I have ever known. Loving three children through their crazy lives, managing a home while attending school full time as well as work full time, and thinking about caring for myself feels a little like running the whole wide world. But in these years, God has given me a passionate pursuit. I want to live an amazing life, even while raising these three kids. I don't want to wait until they are grown up to become the best version of me. I want them to have that kind of mom now. They deserve the very best version of family that I can wrap a house around.

What if they could see in me no bitterness, ongoing healing, and a God-sized restoration? What if we just acted like we're normal instead of focusing on what we're not? I think that a mom with a passionate, amazing life might just be the best foundation for kids to grow up healthy, educated, and wise.

I have done a hundred things wrong and finally gotten a few things right and sometimes I am just doing the best I can with the scraps that remain. Many times I feel the ache, that somehow my life is relegated to live a second-class life because we are not a whole family but I refuse to falter and live like it. We have been blessed beyond reason in so many ways. I am choosing to live in the blessing.

I stand knowing that beyond a shadow of doubt that I have a firm foundation and faith. There is something about walking through embarassment and even the pangs of perceived judgement that makes you stronger. You begin to realize that courage doesn't kick in until you stand face-to-face with what you most feared. I began to know the strength of a faith I had only talked about but had never been forced to live. For once I can stand up, survey the wounds and my surroundings, then decide to do whatever it takes to live the most amazing life possible which means that I will not allow myself to be blown by the winds of circumstances, emotion or discouragement.

Every lesson I have learned has been seen by His grace. Every ounce of strength and comfort has been given because of His promised faithfulness. He is more real to me now than ever before. God is always near, and He takes care of us. God is good, all the time. Sometimes you just have to live as if you believe something is true until your experience proves it. And I can say that my brokenness, my losing almost everything, is the best think that I can take into my future. I am a better woman because of it. I love more purely and without judgement. I live more passionately and more gratefully.

God taught me alot about redemption lately. Redemption is when you bring something of little value or which has become a liability, and an exchange is made for something better. You trade your wounds or consequences for astounding, lovely blessings, in spite of the negative, or maybe even because of it. In the fullness of redemption, brokenness is mended by love. Aimless wandering becomes satisfying, visionary living. Lies are traded for truth. Mourning becomes dancing. A million broken pieces are rearranged into a vibrant, intact, beyond-your-wildest-dreams journey. But I also learned that my redemption will shape my children's souls, but also my parenting. Here's the way I think about it: I wonder how kids will turn out who have lived inside a healthy home. Not an attainably perfect place, but a predominately happy home, a safe place where mistakes are forgiven, where you can be yourself and trust that there will consistently be acceptance and lavish love. A place where it's silly sometimes (more often than not) and serious others. How would it be to give my children that kind of place to grow up? How will that affect their children? Their futures?

A home with one parent is not the path I had intended for my children, but the bigger question continues to be, how now shall we live? I want to become a woman with a changed life. A healthy heart. A full, alive, and passionate soul. But what better way to give my kids a head start by seeing first hand when difficult circumstances become a really great life. How cool is that? My kids will rock the world, complete with tender hearts from emotional lessons learned early enough to give them a head start.

I would like to say thank you to all my friends that have endured my pain, my tears, my joy and for being my blessings. I think God daily for you. You are truly a God send and I love you.