A note to self

So, I am absolutely sure this is not how it should be. The more time goes by, the more I am convinced that my kids would do better with their mom and dad loving each other and loving them and all living in the same house together. But that is not my story, nor will it ever be, and so the question has become, how will this single mom live?

It has taken me a while to get to the answers. And in many ways, my children and I are still tripping through the process, trying to find our way. But what I can tell you is that I have the best life I have ever known. No really, I actually do. My heart is becoming more and more healthy. My home is peaceful. My kids are regular-silly sometimes, dorky others-kind of kids. I bless God because they are turning out to be wonderful, compassionate, very fun people, and I adore them.

I have learned that perhaps a wonderful life is more valuable when the lessons to acquire it are hard fought, and the journey is many days that feel like two steps forward and fourteen steps back. The last couple of years have been wrapped in a whirlwind of emotion and activity, have been the most difficult yet the most rewarding I have ever known. Loving three children through their crazy lives, managing a home while attending school full time as well as work full time, and thinking about caring for myself feels a little like running the whole wide world. But in these years, God has given me a passionate pursuit. I want to live an amazing life, even while raising these three kids. I don't want to wait until they are grown up to become the best version of me. I want them to have that kind of mom now. They deserve the very best version of family that I can wrap a house around.

What if they could see in me no bitterness, ongoing healing, and a God-sized restoration? What if we just acted like we're normal instead of focusing on what we're not? I think that a mom with a passionate, amazing life might just be the best foundation for kids to grow up healthy, educated, and wise.

I have done a hundred things wrong and finally gotten a few things right and sometimes I am just doing the best I can with the scraps that remain. Many times I feel the ache, that somehow my life is relegated to live a second-class life because we are not a whole family but I refuse to falter and live like it. We have been blessed beyond reason in so many ways. I am choosing to live in the blessing.

I stand knowing that beyond a shadow of doubt that I have a firm foundation and faith. There is something about walking through embarassment and even the pangs of perceived judgement that makes you stronger. You begin to realize that courage doesn't kick in until you stand face-to-face with what you most feared. I began to know the strength of a faith I had only talked about but had never been forced to live. For once I can stand up, survey the wounds and my surroundings, then decide to do whatever it takes to live the most amazing life possible which means that I will not allow myself to be blown by the winds of circumstances, emotion or discouragement.

Every lesson I have learned has been seen by His grace. Every ounce of strength and comfort has been given because of His promised faithfulness. He is more real to me now than ever before. God is always near, and He takes care of us. God is good, all the time. Sometimes you just have to live as if you believe something is true until your experience proves it. And I can say that my brokenness, my losing almost everything, is the best think that I can take into my future. I am a better woman because of it. I love more purely and without judgement. I live more passionately and more gratefully.

God taught me alot about redemption lately. Redemption is when you bring something of little value or which has become a liability, and an exchange is made for something better. You trade your wounds or consequences for astounding, lovely blessings, in spite of the negative, or maybe even because of it. In the fullness of redemption, brokenness is mended by love. Aimless wandering becomes satisfying, visionary living. Lies are traded for truth. Mourning becomes dancing. A million broken pieces are rearranged into a vibrant, intact, beyond-your-wildest-dreams journey. But I also learned that my redemption will shape my children's souls, but also my parenting. Here's the way I think about it: I wonder how kids will turn out who have lived inside a healthy home. Not an attainably perfect place, but a predominately happy home, a safe place where mistakes are forgiven, where you can be yourself and trust that there will consistently be acceptance and lavish love. A place where it's silly sometimes (more often than not) and serious others. How would it be to give my children that kind of place to grow up? How will that affect their children? Their futures?

A home with one parent is not the path I had intended for my children, but the bigger question continues to be, how now shall we live? I want to become a woman with a changed life. A healthy heart. A full, alive, and passionate soul. But what better way to give my kids a head start by seeing first hand when difficult circumstances become a really great life. How cool is that? My kids will rock the world, complete with tender hearts from emotional lessons learned early enough to give them a head start.

I would like to say thank you to all my friends that have endured my pain, my tears, my joy and for being my blessings. I think God daily for you. You are truly a God send and I love you.