I spend most of my days going about my business which usually consist of being a mom of 3, school for me, work, quiet time, homework, cooking, laundry, church, and the list goes on and on. Due to circumstances and life which includes the instability of my job and my miserable state at school, I wonder what am I doing? I keep playing the card of "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up"; however, I am 36 years old and honestly, I know exactly what I want to be when I grow up. You see, I remember my freshman year in high school and one evening in particular that I gave my life to Him for His will and purpose. I had no clue what that meant at the time in retrospect but I know that I was called to a greater purpose than my own.
If we fast forward time to today, I am continually searching for answers. After my divorce, I have spent more time searching for ideas that conformed and seemed to fit the picture of my life. Let's try med school, because my MCAT scores rocked, but I want to be a mom. Let's try nursing school, because I am smart enough and have compassion for people. Let's try education because I am great with kids, creative, and would be a great goofy science teacher.
Somehow in a weird way, this semester my schedule for classes would not pan out. Then add the fact that my job is unstable and I have not worked since early August. So, what now? I've got this. Let's just change majors again and see if that works. No wait, let's try pursuing a job all in God's name that isn't meant for me. Let's try... Problem is that I can try a zillion things, but they are never going to pan out because the true problem lies in the I.
I truly think God is watching me and saying "Hello, remember Me? Remember that day that you promised me your life? Have I not been beside you in the hardest times of your life? You trusted Me then, so why not trust Me now?"
My natural preference is to plan out my day, knowing what will happen when. His preference is for me to depend on Him continually, trusting Him to guide me and strengthen me as needed. Is this how I grow strong in my weakness because my greatest struggle is independence? I want independence so much that I must relinquish it and be dependent on Him. What?!? Sigh
Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! ~Proverbs 3:5-7 MSG
So, there it is. No longer am I going to ask "what now?" but rather trust Him every day with every fiber of my being which is going to be a daily struggle. But He has shown His mercy and grace time and time again to me and He will continually do so. I know without a shadow of doubt that when we are not pursuing what we are called and made to do, a door with shut but He will open windows to let the breeze of our destiny waft to lure us to the right path.
