Bloom Time

Image Title: Ever Blooming Rose By: Mehul Chimthankar Copyright ©2008

Happy February, everyone!

For a while now, I’ve known I would declare a Word of the Year for 2010. You see, a guiding word is, the theory goes, easier to live up to, and ultimately deeper and more meaningful, than the traditional to-do list of resolutions, which, let’s face it, most of us break before March. I know that I usually at least falter on them by March, and that, by year’s end, if I haven’t forgotten about them completely, I’ve only applied them sporadically. So, I am still not sure about making resolutions or setting more specific intentions this year. I’m mulling that over as I focus this time of my life for healing physically, emotionally and spiritually. But, I do have my guiding word for 2010, and it is….Drumroll please…

BLOOM

More specifically, I’m using the second definition of the verb form of “bloom” as defined by Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary:

2. a: (1) to mature into achievement of one’s potential (2) to flourish in youthful beauty, freshness, or excellence b: to shine out: glow”

A quote I’d heard many times before swam through my head for most of January, any time I thought about 2009 ending and 2010 beginning. You may recognize it:

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” — Anais Nin

So, every time I thought about declaring my Word of the Year for 2010, “bloom” kept popping into my head. Just to make sure it would be my word, I looked it up, and the aforementioned definitions are exactly what I want for this year.

I do want to achieve my potential, to flourish, and to glow. I want my life to do the same. Any resolutions I may or may not make, any specific intentions I may or may not set, will revolve around these ultimate goals and guiding concepts.

Here I go…Stepping forward into 2010 with optimism, if a bit cautiously. Here I go…Readying myself to bloom.

excerpt from St. Francis And The Sow
by Galway Kinnell

The bud
stands for all things,
even those things that don't flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing

Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it . . . When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum,your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of"happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are . . . and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you(or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

Your learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing (although that would be entertaining). You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love . . . and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy.

And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely . . . And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK ... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And,you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch . . . and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care of it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.

And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve . . . and that much of life truly is a
self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed,a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you
make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to as best as you can.

Author unknown

Happy New Year

So every year, I write a blog of all the accomplishments of the past year as a reminder of what I have been through and what great things are to come. Hard part of it all is that I blinked and the year past. It was a year full of many milestones in my life that I am certain ~ a turbulent roller coaster you might say. And I do wish that I could change so many things in my life. It isn't the life that I would have chosen; however, I know it is the life that I was chosen to lead. But as I write this, I stand (or actually sit)knowing that I am broken but in that brokenness there is hope and sometimes peace sprinkled with a lot of love and joy. So here it goes just slightly different than in past years.

Things I DO remember learning in 2009:

ENDURANCE - you will never know endurance until you have reached the end and there you find in your greatest weakness, the pure will to carry on

FAITH - God is Great! God is Good! And I trust Him with every fiber of my being. Okay, that last part was a lie. I want to trust Him with every fiber of my being. Does that count? I think as Christians, we want to be perfect but that ain't going to happen, not ever, end of story, game over. We get so caught up in trying to be in control which I learned the hard way, is pointless. I love the fact that I can come to Papa God and throw my hands up like a two year old throwing a tantrum, and I say, "I don't get it and I don't understand why I have to go thru this." Yet, I can always find peace in Him saying that it isn't meant for me to understand right now. Greater things are yet to come. I am so unworthy but yet He loves me.

LOVE - first of all, to find love, you must first look within. It is only from there that any other love can sprout and blossom. Sounds cheesy I know but it is so true yet profound. I am a believer that God places everyone in your life for a reason and for that I am truly thankful for the people that are in my life. But more importantly, I am thankful for the valuable life lessons of learning how to be loved and learning how to love again. It is like a toddler learning to walk - baby steps, slow and steady - trusting that I am not going to fall. Well, I know that I am going to fall but knowing that I can brush myself off and get back up again which leads to confidence.

Makes sense to only do CONFIDENCE next - here is the secret: not caring what anyone else thinks and know that you are being true to yourself and that is what matters even if that means wearing a mullet and the ugliest dress in the entire DFW area....oh wait.....=)

WISDOM - the word wisdom makes me laugh and it seems so profound that it is almost unattainable but sure nuf, we all a lil wise (and not a wise a**, for those of you thinking it). Wisdom may be a little bit of book smart but I think for me it is a lot of self reflection smarts and knowing who you really are (strengths & weaknesses). Knowing is half the battle and what you do with the knowing is the other half - take that GI Joe.

LAUGHTER - okay...knock, knock......(come on, play along)....who's there.....a kid who can't reach the doorbell......sorry, I couldn't resist, it made me laugh. I truly believe that laughter and happiness live in a symbionic world thus a symbionic relationship. They feed off each other. But I do know that a happy home is a home filled with laughter and that is the best sound in the world.

HAPPINESS - ah, my fortune cookie surely written by a wise person once said, "the key to happiness is to find joy in your successes and defeats." What fun is that? Really? Seriously? For me, happiness isn't looking at my successes and defeats because I think truthfully that might be a little overwhelming. Happiness is found in the little unexpected things. Subtly, in the little ways, joy had been leaking out of our lives. The small pleasures of the ordinary day seem almost contemptible, and glance off us lightly....so, sometimes it is best to stop and remember the simple things that bring you joy. That will have to be a blog for later but there is ALWAYS a silver lining.....

ACCEPTANCE - I am still working on this one. It is knowing that I am loved for exactly who I am and not someone that someone thinks I should be. It is also accepting the things that I can cannot change and one day all that will be wrapped up in a little thing called peace.

And there are still things that I still miss even to the extent that I wish they were the same especially the family unit aspect; however, that is not my life and I know that God has showed me as well as stored up many blessings to come. But for now, I am trying to change the concept in my head, a paradigm shift you might say and make mountains into mole hills. My greatest blessing hands down is my sweet little family. Now it may not be traditional in the normal sense but understanding that I am not normal, it is perfect (so reminds me of the movie Lilo & Stitch). Sorry, ADD moment, anyways, I am certain though that my family unit (little man, sweet babygirl, big man and me) will always know that they are loved by not only myself but by an amazing God, who so graciously blessed me with them. And even on the days that I fill so unworthy of that task, He gives me strength to endure it all yet He still loves me in my weakness.

So as I write this, I am understanding that sometimes writing is therapy and helps quiet my mind and my spirit. For me on this day, it helped turn a gray cloud into joy by reminding me of all the things to be thankful for.

"May the LORD bless you,and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you. May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace." -Numbers 6:24-26