Hope

What I Really Hope...

I've been thinking much these last couple of weeks, as the sky seems to be doing a bit of falling. I think of how higher gas and grocery prices will affect my family, of course, but I think of other things, too. I look at the failure we're seeing, on such a grand scale, and it reminds me of something much deeper. Cheaper groceries aren't the only thing I'm wishing for, where my kids are concerned:

I hope they learn that greed is not, in fact, good. That it messes with the heads of big-time CEOs all the way down to first-time homeowners, and it clouds judgment, often spectacularly so.

I hope that they pay attention in math class and learn that, whether you're a government or a regular Joe, if you spend more than you make, it never ends well.

I hope they learn that a happy family is a million times more precious than a big house.

I hope they learn that when times are good, your circumstances don't have to enslave you or define you. And that when times are bad, your circumstances don't have to enslave you or define you.

I hope they remember that America's version of "cutting back" is very different from that of the developing world.

I hope they learn that contentment is not something that accidentally happens to you, it is something you actively decide upon. And you lay hold of it, re-deciding every day that enough is actually plenty.

I hope they learn that, at the end of the day, our truest Hope will never be found in our bank accounts or our government. Insitutions sometimes fall. He doesn't.

My sweet baby boy

The other night, I wandered to my eleven-year-old son's room at bedtime.

He was settling into bed, and I lay down next to him for a few minutes. We chatted for a few minutes, my mother's heart full of quiet joy at the sweet moment with my son. My mind wandered to the days when he was a newborn, just over eight pounds. In those day, when he lay on the bed next to me, he curled into a tiny little peanut, burrowed tightly up against me. But now his long, lanky form takes up almost as much space on the bed as I do.

I thought about these things with a sigh, and I reached over and brushed my fingers across his hair.

And then he tooted.

I mean, tooted. The kind of mattress-rattling honk that almost lifted the covers a little.

And we laughed together until our sides hurt, snorting and tossing each other a high five.

I loved that little baby, but oh, how I love the young man.

Thank goodness for new days

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

I don't know about you, but tonight I needed to read that.

New every morning.

Every morning. A new big batch of God's compassions for this messed-up, funky heart of mine.

I'll sigh, and I'll rest in Him tonight. And tomorrow I'll start over.

Do not lose Heart

The Gospel according to a 7 year old

Sharing my faith with my children is one of my favorite things about being a mother. But sometimes, expressing the beauty of the Gospel to a seven-year-old boy with the attention span of a fruit fly leaves me shaking my head. The following conversation actually happened this week:

Little Man: Do people have eyeballs in Heaven?

Me: Probably not like we have them now, but we will certainly be able to see what is going on around us in Heaven.

Little Man: Do people sleep on clouds?

Me: I don't know. Maybe. The Bible doesn't tell us a whole lot of specific things about Heaven, but we know it will be a million times better than earth.

Little Man: Bad guys in jail don't go to Heaven.

Me: Well, they do if they ask God to forgive them for their sins and ask Jesus into their heart. We're all sinners, whether we're a bad guy in jail or not...

Little Man: If they don't love Jesus, they'll go to hell and the devil will keep them in a cave.

Me: Well, something like that. Do you understand how we get to Heaven?

Little Man: You die.

Me: Well, yes, but how do you get to go there when you die?

Little Man: You love Jesus.

Me: [thinking we're finally getting somewhere] Yes, you love Jesus, and you ask him to forgive you for your sins, and you invite Him to live in your heart.

Little Man: So are we happy that Jesus died on the cross?

Now, there's one for the theologians. Any takers?

Me: I'm not happy that Jesus had to suffer, but I'm sure thankful he was willing to go through that to pay for my sins.

Little Man: [Thoughtful pause]. Oh. So, are ninjas real?

And...evidently the moment has passed.

Grace in a Manger

As I sit this morning, very aware that today is December 1st and I am no where ready for the upcoming Christmas holiday, I am reminded that this season is about something extraordinary.

Christmas

Christmas is happy, Easter is hard.

At least, that's how I thought about it when I was younger.

Christmas, I thought, was the cheery holiday that evoked images of a sweet baby Jesus, a manger full of fresh-smelling hay, joyful shepherds, a glorious star and a partridge in a pear tree.

The real theological meat was diced at Easter, I believed. Easter was about blood, death, and victory won only through the harshest pain. Easter was about sanctification and propitiation and all those other "-ation" words that my pastor is supposed to explain to me.

And so, in my simple little head, Christmas was happy, Easter was hard. At Christmas, we could just sit back and not think too hard, sip our egg nog, and gaze at our happy little nativity scene in which Mary looks all clean and regal, not like a scared young teenager who just went through labor next to a cow.

That was then. I've been around the block a few times now. I don't see Christmas in quite the same way.

I look around and see homeless people and sick children and hungry nations and angry young people and bitter old people...and I wonder why on earth Someone would leave Perfection for such a dirty old planet as this?

I know we needed a Savior, and desperately, but to choose to come? To enter humanity at its dirtiest--poor parents in a barn, of all places--to endure the hardest parts of being human with only the promise of the pain of ultimate sacrifice?

Maybe Christmas isn't easy after all. Maybe it's as gritty and earthy as the darkest moment on the cross.

But OH, is it ever beautiful. It's as beautiful as any Easter sunrise, as victorious as a heavy stone pushed away from a tomb.

In one glorious, cosmic, explosive moment, the God of our Universe leapt into our messed-up world. Victory wrapped in swaddling clothes.

Hope nursing at His mother's breast.

Grace in a manger.

Ramblings

Sometimes I LOVE days in which everyday things are suddenly more vivid and pronounced than any other day making your world seem so overly blessed....

so today, I love....

~small, quiet coffee shops full of quaint aromas, and lulling music that quiets your soul

~the thought of pumpkin spiced anything

~the brisk, cleansing air of a new fall morning

~Thanksgiving & counting all the blessings that I am thankful for this year alone

~the fall leaves that delicately fall on my windshield. Thankful for change and new beginnings

~hearing sweet words of encouragement from my kids and knowing that God blessed me with being their mom

~getting too small for my britches....or my britches getting too big for me =)

~being part of something way bigger than me.....God still makes the sun stand still today

~to be surrounded by friends that encourage, inspire, and challenge me to be the person God intended for me to be.

~being outside in the beautiful fall air unless it involves getting gas, then, I dread it so often my gas gauge looks like this


Hope everyone has a blessed Wednesday.....

On the Bright Side

A Piece of Me

"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." --W. Somerset Maugham

If you know anything about me or follow me on twitter, you know that often my status updates and tweets are filled with quotes. They are usually quotes from my past or frequently I find that they are quotes that touch my life at the exact right moment when I need to hear it. I love quotes. I always have. They inspire me. Simple, small words of wisdom that filter in my life and spark emotions, dreams, visions, love.

On the shelf beside my bed is an impressive collection of papers without which I cannot live. There's my household budget notebook, a dictionary, my Bible, thesaurus, several books that are on my list to read, and other such vitally important items. And there, tucked in place of great honor, is a beautiful journal covered in shiny black leather. The papers have a perfect-sounding crinkle that makes my heart beat a little faster.

It's my quote book.

I first began collecting quotes when I was in high school. My world was broadening exponentially, and daily, and I was astonished to learn that there were many people other than ME who had important things to say. As I navigated those choppy waters of late adolesence/early adulthood, I scribbled others' important thoughts in a journal covered in obnoxiously cheery pink fabric. I filled it up.

After college, and marriage, I decided my quotes should be carefully typed and neatly stashed in a three-ring binder, sorted by topic. I spent a couple of months typing my entire collection. It looked very nice and ridiculously organized.

Then I had my first baby, and I had visions of my children someday coming home from my funeral and sorting through my things. Wouldn't I rather have all my most treasured quotations passed down to them in my own handwriting? And so I re-copied--again--my entire quote collection in its current location.

I don't worry so much about the whole handwriting thing anymore. In these frantic days of busy-ness I could never have imagined years ago, I don't have time to be picky anymore about how these quotations get recorded. Some are neatly hand-printed, many are scrawled in a handwriting that would make a doctor blush, many are printed directly off a website and slapped in with a piece of Scotch tape. But however they got there, they are all treasures.

Many of those quotes have journeyed through all my quote books, collections from those early days when I was first discovering the delight of a well-turned phrase:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. --Eleanor Roosevelt

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin. --Mother Teresa

There are quotes from favorite movies...

An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure. --Steel Magnolias

...and favorite books.

The task, and the joy, of writing for me is that I can play with the metaphors that God has placed in the world and present them to others in a way they will accept. --Kathleen Norris, The Quotidian Mysteries

There are quotes added in times of great sorrow...

I have learned to hold all things loosely, so God will not have to pry them out of my hands. --Corrie ten Boom

...and quotes added in times of great joy.

A boy is Truth with dirt on its face, Beauty with a cut on its finger, Wisdom with bubble gum in its hair, and the Hope of the Future with a frog in its pocket. --Alan Beck

There are many quotes from people whose names appear more often than others...

He is not all we would ask for (if we were honest), but it is precisely when we do not have what we would ask for, and only then, that we can clearly perceive His all-sufficiency. It is when the sea is moonless that the Lord has become my light. --Elisabeth Elliott

What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. --C.S. Lewis

...and many quotes from people whose names have been long forgotten.

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. --Anonymous

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. --Anonymous

I treasure all those quotes--they're all mementos to me, moments in time captured in writing, and souvenirs of lessons learned. But as I no doubt have much, much more to learn, tell me: what's your favorite quote ever? I still have plenty of empty pages to fill.

A Mom's Prayer on the First Day of School

Here we are again, Lord. Their backpacks are loaded and their faces are scrubbed and their lunch accounts are full.

And I know you'll walk with them, Lord. You always do. But a mom still has to ask.

Will You walk with them? Will You whisper to them what they need to hear, when I'm not there to whisper it?

Will You please, oh please, cover their school with the protection only You can give, and will You keep harm far away?

Will You make their minds strong and ready to learn? Will You help them understand that hard work honors the One who created them?

Will You guide their teachers, giving them patience and wisdom and creativity and more patience? Will You bless them for their efforts?

Will You love all those children there, the ones whose lunch accounts aren't full, the ones who feel alone? Will You teach my children to be kind and unselfish and to love those who are different from them?

Will You point them back toward home just as soon as you can?

Lord, I give them to You today and everyday, trusting them to Your care.

Amen.

Did that just happen?

My oldest son walked into my room after dressing for church; he was wearing the same church t-shirt he's worn the last numerous Sundays that I have seriously lost count. I am thinking that my church family may start thinking that he doesn’t own any other shirt.

"Hey, big guy, why don't you wear something different?" I suggested.

"Why?" he asked. "This one is my favorite, and it's clean."

"Well," I explained, "you have several shirts, but people are going to think that's the only one you own."

He looked at me squarely and did not miss a beat. "Mom, what people think doesn't matter nearly as much as what I know to be true."

My first thought: Wow, the boy has been listening after all.

My second thought: Wow, seriously? I just got a smack-down from a ten year old.

in honor of shark week

I stepped out into my front yard, greeted by a blast of hot air and the dull roar of the cicadas. Squinting into the glare of the evening sun, I noticed a strange shape atop my brick mailbox. Closer inspection revealed this to be a ten-year-old boy, my ten-year-old boy, in fact, his legs crossed and his chin in his hands. He sat atop the mailbox, deep in thought, eyes loosely focused on something I could not see.

I wandered slowly over to him, and I leaned against his perch. I didn't say anything, not for a while; he had thoughts to think, and it's a good thing to listen with contentment to what a child isn't saying. After a few minutes, though, the curiosity got the better of me, as my mother's heart wondered what heavy load had driven my boy into such a reverie.

"So," I said. "It looks like you're thinkin' things."

He paused. "Yes, ma'am."

"Wanna tell me about it?"

He paused again, as if to wonder whether his mother was ready for thoughts of such magnitude. Evidently, I passed muster.

"Sharks," he said, looking straight ahead. "I'm thinking about sharks."

"Oh," I said. "And what are you thinking about sharks?"

He raised his head and looked at me, in an of-course sort of way, and he grinned. "I'm thinkin' about catchin' 'em."

Well, of course.

I grinned in return and I rubbed his sweaty head; but not too hard, in case I interrupt the fine thoughts inside. Sensing his need for more silence, I slipped back toward my house, but not before I turned to look at him. His chin had dropped back into his hands, his eyes refocused on the asphalt street in front of him, the street down which surely, surely, any moment, a shark might swim. Never mind that it's 600 miles to the nearest ocean. When you're ten, it doesn't really matter.

Brothers

They're brothers, ages 10 and 6. They share a bedroom, a love for all things Legos, a desire to win every game ever played on PS3 or Wii, and a tendency toward violence of the brotherly kind. They are mortal enemies and the best of friends, the pendulum often swinging from friend to enemy and back to friend again within a matter of .2 seconds.

They're both dynamos in their own element. The older of the two is lean, tall, and lightning-fast. The younger is lean, small, and has the determination to be just as good as his older brother.

Last night, after an especially vigorous session of carpet wrestling, I heard them pause, breathless, to formulate impressive plans thanks to the World Cup. They determined that they would take the professional soccer world by storm someday, two feisty brothers who would team up to strike fear in opponents. The oldest would be the speedy, agile Scorer of Many Goals. The youngest would be the brick-wall goalie around whom no ball would fly.

Then they went back to the floor for more wrestling, until I went in to interrupt and tell them it was time to head to bed. We sat on the couch, mom in the middle, for bedtime prayers. Their sweaty, smelly heads leaned in on my shoulders. They were still out of breath. It was the first moment of quiet that room had seen in hours.

The oldest said his prayer, and then I said mine. And then the youngest, in a voice thick with sincerity, said softly, "Thank you, God, that my brother and I enjoy each other."

I caught my breath. Yes, thank you, I thought. Then--I couldn't help it--I peeked open my eyes at the two boys, still sitting at my side. Something settled over them.

They were struck by the moment, too.

The oldest looked over at his little brother, affection unmistakably written on his face. He gently, quietly nudged him with his elbow. The youngest returned the glance, and the nudge.

There was a perfect pause.

And then, at exactly the same moment, they erupted into grunts and laughter, diving for each other and heading straight for the carpet. I think the .7 miliseconds of tenderness was all they could bear.

I watched them, smiling, observing to myself that the moment had surely passed.
Or had it? I'm inclined to think--to hope--that a moment like that settles deeply in the hearts of two sweaty boys. It surely settles deeply in the heart of their mother.

Little Blessings

The other night, my little man curled up in his bed, his hair still a little damp from his shower a few minutes before, and his mind racing as it always does as bed time falls upon us.

"What if there's a fire? I don't like to jump out of windows," he told me.

"If there's a fire, I'll come for you," I said.

"But what if I get lost in the deep, deep forest?" he asked.

Before I answered, I thought to myself, “Where does he come up with this stuff? Maybe we have been watching way too much Harry Potter movies lately.”

"You won't ever be in the deep, deep forest," I told him. He shot me a look that made it clear this answer was far too practical to satisfy his need for drama.

I amended my response. "If you get lost in the deep, deep forest, I'll come and find you," I said, and he nodded, seeming satisfied with my answer this time. His heavy eyelids started to droop. The 9-year-old wandered in, eager to help.

"Could I sing him a lullaby?" she asked quietly. I nodded, and she sat down and sang softly "Jesus Loves Me" while her little brother held tightly to my hand.

Then the 10-year-old chimed in since he was sleeping in the bunk above us, playing his drum, because we all know that "Jesus Loves Me" is much more effective as a lullaby with a loud and driving drum beat. Well, his playing messed up the 9-year-old, who stopped right at the “little ones to Him belong part” to whack her brother. The six-year-old was so excited by this exchange that he jumped to his feet and began to sing/shriek along while jumping off his bed to dance on the bedroom floor. The two big kids stopped their fighting, suddenly distracted by the fact that “Jesus” sounds a lot like “Cheez-Its.”

The six-year-old continued to dance. The 9-year-old sister continued to pound the older brother while both the older ones continued to shriek their hymn to the little orange crackers.

I laughed, and I wondered exactly where I lost my sweet moment.

I laughed harder, and I realized I didn't lose it at all. I love how God reveals the sweet blessings of my life in everyday experiences of being a mom.

Sometimes as a mom, I get caught up in the moments of how things should be; but I am learning through God’s grace that life is nothing like what it should be but every bit a part of the way God meant for it to be in my life.

One of our favorite family movies is Disney’s Meet the Robinsons. We love the quirky dinosaur with the big head and little arms, the singing gangster frogs, the display of love shown by a family that isn’t ordinary, but what we love most of all is the closing song:

let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know the hardest part is over
let it in, let your clarity define you
in the end, we will only just remember how it feels

let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but I cannot forget
the way I feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain
--Rob Thomas, “Little Wonders”

I am truly thankful for this song. This song got me through the struggles of my divorce, learning to be a single mom, and most importantly the amazing blessings of being a daughter of God.

Crazy Love

I wanted to share with you an excerpt from Crazy Love by Frances Chan that touched my heart and spirit. Today, it helped me realize to give up myself and that life is so much easier with Him than without. Enjoy, dear friends!

Someone I Can Be Real With
If you merely pretend that you enjoy God or love Him, He knows.
You can’t fool Him; don’t even try. Instead, tell Him how you feel.
Tell Him that He isn’t the most important thing in this life to you,
and that you are sorry for that. Tell Him that you’ve been lukewarm,
that you’ve chosen _____________ over Him time and again.
Tell Him that you want Him to change you, that you long to genuinely enjoy Him.
Tell Him how you want to experience true satisfaction and pleasure and
joy in your relationship with Him. Tell Him you want to love Him more than
anything on this earth. Tell Him you want to experience the kingdom of heaven so much so that you’d willingly sell everything in order to get it.
Tell Him what you like about Him, what you appreciate, what brings you joy.

my prayer today:
Jesus, I need to give myself up. I am not strong enough to love you and walk with You on my own.
I can’t do it, I need You. I need You deeply and desperately. I believe You are worth it, that You are better than anything else I could have in this life. I want You. And when I don’t, I want to want You. Be all in me. Take all of me. Have Your way with me.

15 things I love, just because

So with great ambitions to become a more avid blogger, I have decided to give Thursday a makeover. So, I am declaring it as Love Thursday, and lately I’ve felt like Thursday leaves me anxious about finding JUST THE RIGHT THING that is, you know, PROFOUND ENOUGH to pass muster.

Which is silly, of course, both because if profundity is the measuring stick by which I’m going to take stock of my work, um, ACK, and also because that’s the thing about love—it doesn’t have to be profound. Sometimes it just is. Sometimes it’s everyday, plain, and perfectly simple.

So rather than a long story, today I thought I’d celebrate Thursday with some of the simplest things that make me feel most happy, and fill me with love.

If you’re looking for deep, today, you should probably move on. Just sayin’.

1) Every morning when all three of my kids jump into bed with me after breakfast for cuddle time until the alarm goes off.

2) The birds that squabble in the tree right outside my window. They remind me of the kids.

3) Starbucks - I am loving Vanilla Roobios Tea Lattes right now.

4) Fuzzy socks.

5) Sweet messages of encouragement/love via Facebook, twitter and text.

6) Seeing the first signs of spring - trees budding, daffodils, tulips, and thunderstorms as long as I know a tornado isn't going to take me away.

7) Slowly sinking into a bath so hot that it’s almost—but not quite—unbearable.

8) Watching a dog having a dream about chasing a squirrel, and their legs twitch and they huff out airy little dream-barks.

9) Seeing my kids laugh and giggle about silly things like farts.

10) The smell of homemade goodies of any kind: cookies, bread, cakes, etc.

11) Gummi Bears and animal crackers but to save them from agony, I always have to eat their heads off first.

12) Watching my kids learn how to serve others.

13) Browsing through antique malls for treasures but then wondering what stories lie behind each item

14) Fresh green beans.

15) Popcorn.
15a) Especially when made by my oldest son
15b) Especially when he makes the perfect sized bowl for everyone in the family
15c) Especially when he makes mine the only bowl of kettle corn =) He loves me for now.




Happy Love Thursday. I hope your personal bowl of little delights is always overflowing, always refilling.

Epic fail....or maybe I should say, Liberty fail....

You really wouldn’t think that starting something as simple as a Chia plant would be difficult. They go something like this:
Soak the pot for an hour.
Soak the seeds for an hour.
Apply seeds to pot.
Put bag over pot for 3-4 days so the seeds start sprouting.
Take bag off and place in sunny warm spot.
Keep pot watered and turn as necessary.
If you do it right, you don’t get this!




Opps! Did I forget to water her?

You think this would be simple but its not. I won’t bore you with the details but this is our second attempt. I say we… but after the first attempt my son lost his interest. This was all me trying to make it work. I even received Lady Liberty as a gift from a friend in hopes that I could redemn myself after my first failure.
Seriously, growing a plant should be like the easiest crafty thing you can start with. You follow directions, put in some work and you watch your work grow into a plant/vegetable/fruit. You feel proud. Tell you what…. this my friends, is not easy!

Manifesto for today

Someone sent this to me-a manifesto of sorts but unsure of the author-but wanted to share because it is helping me learn to "Bloom" a little more. So now, its your turn, to bloom....

Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Criticize by creating. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshiping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze new trails. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away.

Bloom Time

Image Title: Ever Blooming Rose By: Mehul Chimthankar Copyright ©2008

Happy February, everyone!

For a while now, I’ve known I would declare a Word of the Year for 2010. You see, a guiding word is, the theory goes, easier to live up to, and ultimately deeper and more meaningful, than the traditional to-do list of resolutions, which, let’s face it, most of us break before March. I know that I usually at least falter on them by March, and that, by year’s end, if I haven’t forgotten about them completely, I’ve only applied them sporadically. So, I am still not sure about making resolutions or setting more specific intentions this year. I’m mulling that over as I focus this time of my life for healing physically, emotionally and spiritually. But, I do have my guiding word for 2010, and it is….Drumroll please…

BLOOM

More specifically, I’m using the second definition of the verb form of “bloom” as defined by Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary:

2. a: (1) to mature into achievement of one’s potential (2) to flourish in youthful beauty, freshness, or excellence b: to shine out: glow”

A quote I’d heard many times before swam through my head for most of January, any time I thought about 2009 ending and 2010 beginning. You may recognize it:

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” — Anais Nin

So, every time I thought about declaring my Word of the Year for 2010, “bloom” kept popping into my head. Just to make sure it would be my word, I looked it up, and the aforementioned definitions are exactly what I want for this year.

I do want to achieve my potential, to flourish, and to glow. I want my life to do the same. Any resolutions I may or may not make, any specific intentions I may or may not set, will revolve around these ultimate goals and guiding concepts.

Here I go…Stepping forward into 2010 with optimism, if a bit cautiously. Here I go…Readying myself to bloom.

excerpt from St. Francis And The Sow
by Galway Kinnell

The bud
stands for all things,
even those things that don't flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing

Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it . . . When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum,your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of"happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are . . . and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you(or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

Your learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing (although that would be entertaining). You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love . . . and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy.

And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely . . . And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK ... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And,you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch . . . and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care of it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.

And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve . . . and that much of life truly is a
self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed,a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you
make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to as best as you can.

Author unknown

Happy New Year

So every year, I write a blog of all the accomplishments of the past year as a reminder of what I have been through and what great things are to come. Hard part of it all is that I blinked and the year past. It was a year full of many milestones in my life that I am certain ~ a turbulent roller coaster you might say. And I do wish that I could change so many things in my life. It isn't the life that I would have chosen; however, I know it is the life that I was chosen to lead. But as I write this, I stand (or actually sit)knowing that I am broken but in that brokenness there is hope and sometimes peace sprinkled with a lot of love and joy. So here it goes just slightly different than in past years.

Things I DO remember learning in 2009:

ENDURANCE - you will never know endurance until you have reached the end and there you find in your greatest weakness, the pure will to carry on

FAITH - God is Great! God is Good! And I trust Him with every fiber of my being. Okay, that last part was a lie. I want to trust Him with every fiber of my being. Does that count? I think as Christians, we want to be perfect but that ain't going to happen, not ever, end of story, game over. We get so caught up in trying to be in control which I learned the hard way, is pointless. I love the fact that I can come to Papa God and throw my hands up like a two year old throwing a tantrum, and I say, "I don't get it and I don't understand why I have to go thru this." Yet, I can always find peace in Him saying that it isn't meant for me to understand right now. Greater things are yet to come. I am so unworthy but yet He loves me.

LOVE - first of all, to find love, you must first look within. It is only from there that any other love can sprout and blossom. Sounds cheesy I know but it is so true yet profound. I am a believer that God places everyone in your life for a reason and for that I am truly thankful for the people that are in my life. But more importantly, I am thankful for the valuable life lessons of learning how to be loved and learning how to love again. It is like a toddler learning to walk - baby steps, slow and steady - trusting that I am not going to fall. Well, I know that I am going to fall but knowing that I can brush myself off and get back up again which leads to confidence.

Makes sense to only do CONFIDENCE next - here is the secret: not caring what anyone else thinks and know that you are being true to yourself and that is what matters even if that means wearing a mullet and the ugliest dress in the entire DFW area....oh wait.....=)

WISDOM - the word wisdom makes me laugh and it seems so profound that it is almost unattainable but sure nuf, we all a lil wise (and not a wise a**, for those of you thinking it). Wisdom may be a little bit of book smart but I think for me it is a lot of self reflection smarts and knowing who you really are (strengths & weaknesses). Knowing is half the battle and what you do with the knowing is the other half - take that GI Joe.

LAUGHTER - okay...knock, knock......(come on, play along)....who's there.....a kid who can't reach the doorbell......sorry, I couldn't resist, it made me laugh. I truly believe that laughter and happiness live in a symbionic world thus a symbionic relationship. They feed off each other. But I do know that a happy home is a home filled with laughter and that is the best sound in the world.

HAPPINESS - ah, my fortune cookie surely written by a wise person once said, "the key to happiness is to find joy in your successes and defeats." What fun is that? Really? Seriously? For me, happiness isn't looking at my successes and defeats because I think truthfully that might be a little overwhelming. Happiness is found in the little unexpected things. Subtly, in the little ways, joy had been leaking out of our lives. The small pleasures of the ordinary day seem almost contemptible, and glance off us lightly....so, sometimes it is best to stop and remember the simple things that bring you joy. That will have to be a blog for later but there is ALWAYS a silver lining.....

ACCEPTANCE - I am still working on this one. It is knowing that I am loved for exactly who I am and not someone that someone thinks I should be. It is also accepting the things that I can cannot change and one day all that will be wrapped up in a little thing called peace.

And there are still things that I still miss even to the extent that I wish they were the same especially the family unit aspect; however, that is not my life and I know that God has showed me as well as stored up many blessings to come. But for now, I am trying to change the concept in my head, a paradigm shift you might say and make mountains into mole hills. My greatest blessing hands down is my sweet little family. Now it may not be traditional in the normal sense but understanding that I am not normal, it is perfect (so reminds me of the movie Lilo & Stitch). Sorry, ADD moment, anyways, I am certain though that my family unit (little man, sweet babygirl, big man and me) will always know that they are loved by not only myself but by an amazing God, who so graciously blessed me with them. And even on the days that I fill so unworthy of that task, He gives me strength to endure it all yet He still loves me in my weakness.

So as I write this, I am understanding that sometimes writing is therapy and helps quiet my mind and my spirit. For me on this day, it helped turn a gray cloud into joy by reminding me of all the things to be thankful for.

"May the LORD bless you,and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you. May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace." -Numbers 6:24-26