Happy New Year

So every year, I write a blog of all the accomplishments of the past year as a reminder of what I have been through and what great things are to come. Hard part of it all is that I blinked and the year past. It was a year full of many milestones in my life that I am certain ~ a turbulent roller coaster you might say. And I do wish that I could change so many things in my life. It isn't the life that I would have chosen; however, I know it is the life that I was chosen to lead. But as I write this, I stand (or actually sit)knowing that I am broken but in that brokenness there is hope and sometimes peace sprinkled with a lot of love and joy. So here it goes just slightly different than in past years.

Things I DO remember learning in 2009:

ENDURANCE - you will never know endurance until you have reached the end and there you find in your greatest weakness, the pure will to carry on

FAITH - God is Great! God is Good! And I trust Him with every fiber of my being. Okay, that last part was a lie. I want to trust Him with every fiber of my being. Does that count? I think as Christians, we want to be perfect but that ain't going to happen, not ever, end of story, game over. We get so caught up in trying to be in control which I learned the hard way, is pointless. I love the fact that I can come to Papa God and throw my hands up like a two year old throwing a tantrum, and I say, "I don't get it and I don't understand why I have to go thru this." Yet, I can always find peace in Him saying that it isn't meant for me to understand right now. Greater things are yet to come. I am so unworthy but yet He loves me.

LOVE - first of all, to find love, you must first look within. It is only from there that any other love can sprout and blossom. Sounds cheesy I know but it is so true yet profound. I am a believer that God places everyone in your life for a reason and for that I am truly thankful for the people that are in my life. But more importantly, I am thankful for the valuable life lessons of learning how to be loved and learning how to love again. It is like a toddler learning to walk - baby steps, slow and steady - trusting that I am not going to fall. Well, I know that I am going to fall but knowing that I can brush myself off and get back up again which leads to confidence.

Makes sense to only do CONFIDENCE next - here is the secret: not caring what anyone else thinks and know that you are being true to yourself and that is what matters even if that means wearing a mullet and the ugliest dress in the entire DFW area....oh wait.....=)

WISDOM - the word wisdom makes me laugh and it seems so profound that it is almost unattainable but sure nuf, we all a lil wise (and not a wise a**, for those of you thinking it). Wisdom may be a little bit of book smart but I think for me it is a lot of self reflection smarts and knowing who you really are (strengths & weaknesses). Knowing is half the battle and what you do with the knowing is the other half - take that GI Joe.

LAUGHTER - okay...knock, knock......(come on, play along)....who's there.....a kid who can't reach the doorbell......sorry, I couldn't resist, it made me laugh. I truly believe that laughter and happiness live in a symbionic world thus a symbionic relationship. They feed off each other. But I do know that a happy home is a home filled with laughter and that is the best sound in the world.

HAPPINESS - ah, my fortune cookie surely written by a wise person once said, "the key to happiness is to find joy in your successes and defeats." What fun is that? Really? Seriously? For me, happiness isn't looking at my successes and defeats because I think truthfully that might be a little overwhelming. Happiness is found in the little unexpected things. Subtly, in the little ways, joy had been leaking out of our lives. The small pleasures of the ordinary day seem almost contemptible, and glance off us lightly....so, sometimes it is best to stop and remember the simple things that bring you joy. That will have to be a blog for later but there is ALWAYS a silver lining.....

ACCEPTANCE - I am still working on this one. It is knowing that I am loved for exactly who I am and not someone that someone thinks I should be. It is also accepting the things that I can cannot change and one day all that will be wrapped up in a little thing called peace.

And there are still things that I still miss even to the extent that I wish they were the same especially the family unit aspect; however, that is not my life and I know that God has showed me as well as stored up many blessings to come. But for now, I am trying to change the concept in my head, a paradigm shift you might say and make mountains into mole hills. My greatest blessing hands down is my sweet little family. Now it may not be traditional in the normal sense but understanding that I am not normal, it is perfect (so reminds me of the movie Lilo & Stitch). Sorry, ADD moment, anyways, I am certain though that my family unit (little man, sweet babygirl, big man and me) will always know that they are loved by not only myself but by an amazing God, who so graciously blessed me with them. And even on the days that I fill so unworthy of that task, He gives me strength to endure it all yet He still loves me in my weakness.

So as I write this, I am understanding that sometimes writing is therapy and helps quiet my mind and my spirit. For me on this day, it helped turn a gray cloud into joy by reminding me of all the things to be thankful for.

"May the LORD bless you,and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you. May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace." -Numbers 6:24-26